Dear Diary: Stop being neurotic and superstitious

ugh. I’ve seriously got to get over being this neurotic and superstitious nincompoop. It’s not real bad. But, it is annoying. Why spend all of that time even thinking about or rearranging the nonsense?

Like that bottle of cologne that has been sitting (or whatever bottles of cologne do) on the bathroom counter for over a year. Sometimes I reach for it. And then I think, “No. If I put it on something bad will happen”. What, for pete’s sake? For some obnoxious reason I got it into my head that THAT bottle of cologne is somehow taboo. But why? Some miss-firing neuron I suppose. I can’t pour it down the sink. If I do then the taboo-ness goes right down the sink with it. Then what? The pipes burst and the sink explodes?
So I’m stuck. I can’t use it and I can’t throw it away. As far as I know, there is no Sacred burial grounds for evil cologne bottles around here. I’d probably have to go to Hawaii for that.

And what about the way you make the bed? You don’t always have to stand on the left to place the pillows. That one striped pillow doesn’t always have to be horizontal. I prefer vertical. But if I do that then it releases the bad luck. That pillow with the flower on it doesn’t always have to have the flower on the left side. Or does it? Who knows what kind of evil energy will be released if I flip the bitch around. I can’t. I just can’t. And that one hideous pillow that you hate and want to throw away? Can’t do it.

You superstitious fool!

And what about the volume on the tv. Setting the volume to an odd number is not going to kill you. It took me forever to be able to set it on 25, because I was able to rationalize that, even though 25 is not an even number, 25% is a fourth of something, and 4 is an even number. But 17 or 19. OH NO! Those are the most taboo-filled numbers on the television remote. Even more so that 13. Seriously Bob, it’s not like volume control no. 17 transports you to the Twilight Zone. Or does it?

Why is it that you can wear that one pair of boxers on your day off but not when you are working? Because evil lurks in their tartan design on workdays.

Why must you apply deodorant before brushing your teeth? Because doing it backwards would open up a portal to hell.

Why is it that you can walk under ladders and open umbrellas indoors when you are at work, but not at home? duh. Everybody knows those 2 superstitions don’t apply when you are on somebody else’s payroll.

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